Welcome to another Crap Poem.
My attempts to be poetic have recently been funny and light-hearted, but I need to change that in line with how I’ve been feeling.
Ill health for me, ill health for our daughter and mentally straining times for my partner have left us all feeling low and tired. It’s amazing how much you yawn when there seems to be nothing but a torrent of bad news.
It’s also put enormous strain on our relationship. My partner isn’t just my love, he’s my only friend, the only person I talk to or confide in and he’s the only person I trust. Having heated conversations is unusual for us and, frankly, makes us both feel like shit.
That conflict and lowness has morphed into a period of lower depression and anxiety and for reasons I can’t understand, we’ve been unable to engage with the usual medical and mental health support. GP’s and support workers are either sick or on holiday and there’s no one left to pick up the pieces. That’s left me struggling alone at a time of real panic, and I’ve found it incredibly tough.
Despite all this, there’s been no break in my online campaigning, writing and work on this website. I try to keep things on here going whatever the weather is at home, but my partner has been expressing his concerns that I should really be resting – it’s one of the things we have heated discussions about.
My uselessness makes me want to prove a point to myself. I desperately want to achieve something worthwhile despite feeling physically and mentally broken. My life has to be more than resting.
Or does it?
So late one night I started this poem in response to everything I’ve been exposed to emotionally and physically in the last few weeks.
It’s not fun, so I can’t say I hope you enjoy it…it doesn’t feel right. But I hope it makes sense and gives you another window into the daily life of long-term mental illness.
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Why?
Sometimes I imagine a peaceful world
Where there’s a change, a difference, an end
A place where the sun beats down on my face
And I stop having to smile and pretend
I’m tired of being unimportant
Of walking in a shadow
Of feeling insignificant
Where belief in me is narrow
I wake up every day to try
And walk in someone’s shoes
To understand their pain and fears
To realise their blues
I want to teach the world to sing
As loud as we can manage
About the struggle within our minds
Without responses that are savage
So why do I keep keeping on
When all I’m told is ‘rest!’?
When grinding bones keep me awake
and mental health’s a test?
In a world where I’m a tiny dot
Insignificant and small
I want to lift my daughter up
Make her brave and strong and tall
I know I might help others too
If I find a way to say
That I sympathise with their deep pain
I understand their ‘grey’
The only way to do it
Is to be part of a real change
To believe my voice will count towards
A world where we’re not strange
Experience ain’t much these days
But it’s all I have to show
For 41 years on planet earth
I just want more before I go
If writing a bad poem
Is the way to someone’s heart
It’s better than vindictiveness
It’s a pretty decent start
Is there a way you can help
When you notice someone’s pain?
Yes, you offer a listening ear
Reduce the weight of mental strain
You don’t need to be a nurse
Or be medically trained
To breathe fresh air in someone’s life
Give them space to feel less drained
So next time you see someone
With an anxiety that itches
Be a friend and offer help
It’s time to mute the bitches
I won’t rest until I see
The narrative has changed
So kindness is the way we stop
Patients feeling like their blamed
That’s why I keep keeping on
When all I’m told is ‘rest!’.
Mental health needs noticing
Love needs to be expressed
So thank you so much for caring
About why I never stop
You’ve made one person feel useful
When her body wants to drop
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Thanks for reading!
Creative Steph 