What a frigging year.
I remember, 12 months ago, sitting in this same spot at about the same time thinking about the possibilities ahead.
From my achievements in my degree to writing and illustration, I’ve definitely managed things I had no idea I could.
At the start of the year I became the Creative Volunteer and Mental Health Advocate for Cruse (South East) and I continue to provide them with a monthly article for their newsletter with accompanying artwork. It’s a little project I absolutely relish, and I’m so happy it’ll continue in 2023.
I’m proud to be a published writer, even if the books turned out to be impossible. Writing articles has been a real lifeline, giving my life and thoughts a purpose that seems to have been well received.
I finally started winning writing competitions, and as my confidence grew so did my belief that bigger writing groups would accept me into the fold. And they did. I’ve been longlisted, shortlisted and every other ‘listed’ I can think of.
I’ve seen my artwork published too, and 2022 was the year someone asked to use my artwork on their magazine cover (see this post on asylum magazine for more info). I’m now a fully fledged digital artist with exhibitions online with the charity Outside In and the online mental illness gallery, Mental Inkness. In November my artwork was used by NSUN as part of their annual exhibition – achievements I’m really proud of.
All of this has helped me build a tiny bit of hope for a future that works around my limitations. Something, one day, might be possible.
One year ago, sat in this spot, I hadn’t imagined how to achieve these things, let alone whether or not I could achieve them!
But I’ve deliberately started with the positives, because from a health perspective, I didn’t realise how unbelievably bad things would get. I certainly didn’t think I’d be writing another post in a year having been stuck indoors throughout. In fact, I know I was thinking about the things I wanted to be part of that I haven’t managed. My daughters first ever birthday party, valentines dinner with my partner, holidays and even our planned wedding…I missed it all, and I hate that I’m still here.
My physical health has been a conundrum for almost the whole of 2022, but in the last few weeks I finally got a diagnosis that makes sense, although I haven’t talked about it in full yet. M.E./C.F.S was floated a few months ago, and (although I wasa unsure about it) when I started making calls and talking to professionals I found out it ticks boxes I wasn’t even looking at. It feels like a piece of my puzzle is finally in place, but with my pain and mobility now much worse and the ability to do simple tasks like showering rarely possible, it’s hard to imagine how I’ll get past life indoors. The diagnosis is helpful, but symptom management and recovery can be difficult…in some cases it never happens, and all of this combined has left my self-harming tendancies and anxiety in a whole new and much darker place.
Then there are the negatives we share, problems that effect all of us and don’t seem to have a fix…yet. The financial crisis, the state of our politics, the state of the planet, the death of the queen, the war in Ukraine, and the genuine possibility of nuclear attacks are things I hate are now our shared reality. I hope we find ways to manage them all safely to a better conclusion than the awful possibilities we all hear about.
Christmas came with it’s own challenges as our 6yo daughter was in hospital no less than 3 times over the school holiday. It’s difficult to talk about that further today – she’s still very poorly but thankfully at home…for now. I have no doubt there’ll be a post about the impact this had on all of us in the future, but today isn’t the day.
But the real kicker this year has, without question, been all of you. Everyone who sent a message, wrote an email, checked in, asked for information, asked for my involvement – this project has become much more than I intended. Every time I hear from someone I feel a sense of relief and gratitude that I won’t articulate well in writing. It’s a huge help to someone as isolated as me, so I thank each and every one of you from the bottom of my hungry tummy.
Finally, 2022 wouldn’t have been the year it was without the support and love of my only 2 people – my partner and my daughter. They are my world, the crutches that hold me up, and the people that wipe my tears. Watching them both succeed and achieve is a highlight for me, and one I get to look forward to in 2023 too.
2023 will be full of more of the same, and I guess I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I wish you all a safe and enjoyable evening, even if it just involves a duvet and the television, and afterwards I wish you all a very gentle, enjoyable and positive-eventful 2023.
Take care, be well, see ya’ soon. Steph 💜💜🎆🎆🎇🎇
Creative Steph 