Hi everyone, and welcome to my 52nd crap poem as part of the COPE campaign.
In keeping with my most recent Melodie’s, I’ve written another festive poem, this time with an alternative take on the Christmas spirit. For me at least, this represents a more acute vision of my childhood holidays, and I know I’m not alone.
It’s meant as a bit of fun, but please remember that if you or someone you love is struggling with these problems, there are lots of helpful support lines and organisations you can contact for help on my mental health and suicide prevention support lines page.
Here’s the poem. I hope you like it!
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‘Twas the fright before Christmas
I came home at midnight
One cold Christmas Eve
And what happened next
No one would believe
The mince pies and cookies
The milk laced with gin
Gifts left for Santa
Now my late night sin
Under the branches
Boxed with a bow
The presents were wrapped
By whom? I don’t know
Meat dressed and ready
Sprouts in the pan
Roasties par boiled
Our Christmas Day scran
Cloth on the table
Ready to toast
This festive occasion
With a hungover host
Rumbling at nighttime
Arose such a clatter
But not from the rooftop
Just my overfilled bladder
Stories at bedtime
They look up above
“Where could be Santa?”
-with his mates, in the pub.
Kids tucked in tightly
Santa leaving his grotto
While got things ready
I got more blotto
As I stumble upstairs
I trip on my feet
And crash to the floor
Heard by most of the street
I get up so slowly
Whispers creep from their bunks
“Could that be Santa?”
“No, it’s Dad, and he’s drunk.”
I’m the bad parent
A pissed up exhibit
And all that I want
Is the wrong kind of spirit
I sleep on the sofa
Vowing to change
I’ll stay dry tomorrow
Although it seems strange
The next morning…
Breakfast is cooking
I open my eyes
She’s scrambling eggs
For the kids when they rise.
“Hey babe! You hungry?
There’s snacks in those hampers”
Can I keep up my promise?
“Shall we open the champers?”
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Remember if you need more distractions then there are more jokes on my Hold Humour page, as well as haikus on Haiku Hope, awful poems on Crap Poems and odd language in Weird Words. I also have a page dedicated to stress hacks and other ideas to try if you need a distraction within the COPE campaign section of this website.
Thanks for visiting 🌲
Creative Steph 