I’m really ashamed that it took me 42 years to better understand what the word patriarchy means. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not an expert, but as a woman in the UK, i’ve only just realised that I’ve definitely experienced it’s effects many times without knowing.
Why am I mentioning this in a blog post about arguments? It’s a great example of how being in the right still makes you feel very wrong, especially when you’re dealing with stubborn, ‘old school’ men.
Now, I love my partner very much, and – on the whole – his sexiest traits aren’t the most common ones I’ve seen. For example, the household chores are shared here – everything from washing, to packing school bags, and even arranging play dates. The whole of the load is balanced between us both. However, when you dig a bit deeper, and start to understand the more complex problems in relationships, you’ll find yourself often in the same positions as me – arguing over something that women experience and men don’t understand and becoming increasingly frustrated as your opinion is completely misunderstood.
The argument I’m about to demonstrate left me feeling quite upset. Now I have a mental instability that can be temperamental at the best of times. Some days I manage things reasonably, not unlike the average human, and on other days I manage things horrifically. This argument was on the horrific end of the scale, I felt really sad at the end, I felt unheard and I felt trapped in some way. Here is why.
Something popped up on the telly about the way that the male vasectomy procedure has evolved over the years. Like many heterosexual couples, I commented quietly that it should be time for my partner to have the vasectomy and allow me to end my decade long attachment to contraceptive pills and the coil.
I know that people who aren’t required to take the pill and people who aren’t required to use a coil or other contraceptives, struggle to understand how much they affect your life every day. I’m sure there’ll be others out there who’ve experienced hormone fluctuations that are extreme, as well as additional menstrual pain, additional pain anywhere actually, excess bleeding (and that bleeding can be fucking heavy), and sizeable beard and moustache that even Santa would be jealous of.
These issues might seem trivial, but try putting up with them for years and years, and all so that you can satisfy your partner sexually and reduce the risk of pregnancy.
Obviously some people use contraception as a way of managing menstrual pain and cycles. I know it can be helpful, in fact, it’s helped me over the years , but given the option I’d like to be able to come off them (if possible). The option alone would be welcome, even if it’s never used. The balance of power is typically patriarchal.
For some reason on the day this was mentioned, I was a little bit tetchy. When my partner laughed and said something like “no, I’m not having that done. do you know how much it hurts? “ I got pissed off. I recognise that the pain of a vasectomy is probably high and not something that a man is going to look forward to, but I’ve been told firsthand that the pain lasts days, while the desired effects of the vasectomy last a lifetime. There’s no need to keep taking pills, to have checkups, or to have things shoved inside you. Once it’s done it’s done. It’s a completely different pain versus payoff ratio to any form of female contraception.
Unsurprisingly I bit back and said “don’t you think it’s time I was able to come off the pill, and reduce the amount of medication I take. It’s been over a decade and at one point, I had the coil as well. I think I’ve done enough of the contraceptive load in this relationship “.
Despite everything, I said, he was adamant that it’s much worse to have a surgical procedure as a man with pain lasting a matter of days than for a woman to take contraceptive medication and endure various procedures for most of her life. One of his many arguments was that the vasectomy hasn’t been a procedure that’s been available long enough to understand any long-term problems or side-effects. It’s a fair comment, but you could say the same for all forms of female contraception. We’re taking pills that have been around for less time than I have, and we’re taking them for years and years. Who knows what effect they’re having on us and who knows what that could mean in later life.
Here at home we don’t argue much, so the conversation ended. But after he walked away I made a note to write about this in my blog, because it was frustrating and there was obviously an impact on my mental health. Clearly I’m stuck in a contraceptive pit and no one is willing to look at ways that I can get out of it.
Why is society still biased towards the onus being placed on the female in the relationship to put herself through decades of medication and procedures when there are options available to males too?
Why is it still socially acceptable for males to assume that women should take the reins on this?
Is it any wonder that women still feel concerned over the control of the patriarchy when these stereotypes still exist? In fact, they continue to be perpetuated by men, not women.
Yes, it pissed me off. But, to perpetuate my own stereotype, I did what most women do and dropped the subject in order to avoid any further confrontation.
Solutions wise, this post is difficult, because if you’re like me – in a relationship where it’s not worth arguing about this stuff – what on earth can you do about it?
In all cases, my initial advice is pretty simple – talk to your GP and find out if the contraception that you’re using has any long-term side-effects that you’re concerned about, and if there’s an alternative that you or your partner could use to improve the long-term concerns you have.
Of course, it’s also right to talk to your partner if the side-effects of any medication are getting difficult for you. Whether you are mentally unstable or not, your partner should support your wishes in order to make you feel safe, healthy and happy. Being able to talk is the first step towards the kind of balanced and caring, relationship we all desire.
If you or someone you know is looking for advice and support, then please look at my mental health and suicide prevention support lines page and my general get support page, where you’ll find a list of places you can contact, including charities and organisations that are open outside of normal working hours. Thanks for reading.
Creative Steph 