By the time this post is published I’ll be drowning in the weeks of grief that I go through every year at this time. The ‘death gauntlet’ doesn’t give me a break, it doesn’t get easier and it certainly doesn’t stop for other important things. It just adds to the pile.
When I was thinking recently about the annual difficulty my bereavements cause and the never-changing landscape of this time of year, it forced me to reflect on my mental health overall. The stark realisation came that it’s not just grief that’s never-changing, it’s my brain pain too.
In fact, over the last seven years it’s slowly got worse and worse. I admit there have been good moments and bad moments throughout, a fluctuation of emotions as daily life happens I guess. But overall there is a steady pattern of decline in my mental illness, definitely not any long-term improvement.
I find it frustrating because, although my life is now more isolated and anxious than ever, I do almost everything that’s recommended on the ‘mental illness patient instructions’ leaflet.
Engage weekly with NHS community mental health team – tick. Use medication as prescribed – tick. Speak to doctors regularly to review medication and make changes – tick. Find creative distractions and coping mechanisms to help – tick. Have hobbies that give you a sense of self-worth – tick.
What’s missing? Why are the thing’s I’ve ticked above not enough to keep me coasting, let along getting better? Am I hard-wired to have these problems? Is it written in the stars that this will simply get worse and worse and nothing I can do will alter the direction I’m heading in?
As this website proves, I’ve spent my time as a mental illness patient believing that better things lay ahead. I’ve always been certain that there is a way out for me, that I’ll find my reason for existing again, that enjoyable events will happen again, that I’ll stop feeling useless and start finding worth in my life. In seven years it hasn’t happened.
Seven fucking years.
Trying to break free
After spending too much time dwelling on those 7 years of failure, I decided to go back to the drawing board and shift gear. I looked at the positive things I’ve managed so far.
I’ve actively upped my work for the mental illness crusade, trying to provide ideas for others to help with their low mood and mental ill-health. I’ve continued to work towards my degree ensuring I’m learning for a future outside of these four walls (even if it’s hypothetical), and I push myself to get more involved by writing articles, columns and creating artwork for other publications. It’s all hard work for me, some days I’m not up to the challenge, but I keep trying regardless. Even though I’m losing faith in my own future, I still believe it’s possible for others to shine.
I wish my self-belief wouldn’t fade, but slowly, it is.
To counteract the negativity, I’ve sent lots of emails. Messages to charities and organisations who assist artists and writers with mental illness and disabilities with getting on the ladder. This is what I want. I want to feel worthwhile and valued, I want someone, anyone, to say I have some sort of skill or talent. I want to feel like my opinion is desired, even if we don’t agree.
I described my situation in the messages as honestly as I could, often saying something like…
“I’ve been working incredibly hard over many years to prove my skills and my ability to learn creatively, but getting noticed as someone who needs mobility aids and never leaves home is almost impossible. I believe there must be a way for me to have a positive career within the arts that works around these limitations – Covid proved it’s possible. I certainly don’t think I should be excluded from a career, but that’s what’s happening. Can you help me?”
Obviously I sent links to the work I thought they’d be interested in, along with some artwork and details of what I’ve achieved.
Of the 18 charities and organisations I contacted, only 3 have replied in nearly 2 weeks.
It’s hard not to feel defeated. It’s hard not to believe that, at the age of just 41, this is it for me. I’ve tried to move forward for years, but even the businesses out there who are built to help people like me aren’t replying. In the end I have to consider what’s best, because there’s a severe negative mental impact for me when all I get is silence and I can’t understand why. It’s upsetting that people see no value in my input, and eventually my brain starts telling me that those people wish I didn’t exist. So maybe it’s better if I stop trying, because the negative imact is hard for me to handle and ultimately makes me more unwell.
But…
If I stop what’s the alternative? Choosing to accept that I’m done? It’s over? My life so far has lead me to this silence and loneliness and that’s it?
I’m close, but I’m not there yet, and there’s one simple reason why.
All of you.
In the middle of waiting for responses that never came, I got an email from someone thousands of miles away, a total stranger, who’d sent me some of their artwork and thanked me for the work I do on here. I was blown away by the email, especially seeing their artistic talent, and a few tears of gratitude plopped onto my weighted blanket. For privacy I’m not giving any specifics, but I’m confident this person will know who they are.
Over a couple of days I re-read the message and carved out a response that felt right. I wanted to show my gratitude that they’d written such a heartfelt message to me when they had no idea how much I needed it. It changed everything for me, and I started to feel my heart fill with desperation not to be defeated and to keep helping other people.
That email made me realise that the work I do here DOES have value, I just don’t always see or hear about it. That’s something I can be happy about and it’s 100% worthwhile to keep at it if I’ve helped one person.
I know, because this isn’t the only message I’ve had, that I’ve actually helped a few people. I think I needed reminding though.
Why didn’t I see the value in that? Why didn’t I remember that I’m already doing something worthwhile, even if I’m stuck indoors, in pain and feeling afraid?
I’m still aiming for the stars, but that doesn’t mean my existing life has no worth. Regardless of how organisations choose to treat me, there are real people that I’ve had contact with who see value in my words, and that’s something I know my daughter will be proud of one day.
In conclusion
Although self-belief is important, and something we should all be working towards, sometimes it’s incredibly hard to find. Even harder when organisations make you feel invisible.
But if we see value in each other, just on a human level, we’re all keeping that tiny spark ignited and helping people remember their life has meaning and positive impact, and is therefore worth living well.
Every individual who has taken time to contact me (even just to say hello) has supported me immeasurably. There aren’t words to show the gratitude I have for each of you, but a genuine ‘Thank You’ is what I’d love to get across. Especially to my american friend who sent an email at the perfect moment. I really needed it.
The world is closing in on us aright now, and we’re all dragging our legs through mud just to survive. Organisations, charities and businesses are distracted by funding, strategies and staff costs and failing to offer the support the people around them really need.
As a result, it’s never been more important to show love and empathy towards your fellow man. As my recent post about the impact of words explained, we have a huge amount of power just behind what we say. If we make those words more poisitive, helpful and supportive (rather than hate-fuelled and sad), then we’re doing more to make each other smile and bolster self-worth.
Happiness is a language we all speak with ease, it’s an emotion every human has a right to feel, and we can help others experience it without pain, difficulty or cost.
Happiness is free. Pass it on.
The picture
It’s still halloween in this house, so here is another halloween picture of a couple that make each other as happy as possible.
Sally and Jack Skelington from The Nightmare before Christmas are some of the most popular cartoons you’ll see drawn at this time of year. I wanted to have a go too, and I’m glad I did.
Even dressed in rags, with a skeleton beside her and multiple scars across her body, Sally was happy in the end.
I wish the same for all of us.
Happy Halloween and thanks for reading 💜💚🧡
Creative Steph 