“Why are you checking the front door again? This is the third time. We’ve locked it. I swear you’ve got OCD”
A comment made by my ex-husband 15 years ago, but remembered negatively with crystal clarity even today. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought it, but it was the first time I’d heard it. I knew my paranoia looked out of control, but at the time I didn’t understand why. I was travelling to and from my office building, sometimes at 11pm, because I’d laid in bed awake absolutely certain I’d left the doors unlocked. I finished work at 5pm and spent 6 hours in a vortex of worry that I’d be responsible for theft. Of course, it never happened. The doors were always locked.
For several years I refused to travel anywhere in a car, utterly convinced that we’d be involved in a deadly accident.
I counted the number of times I brushed each side of my hair, and then the same when using my deoderant stick. I was certain that failure to do these things right would result in a catastrophe, and nothing anyone said could stop me. In fact, labelling me crazy, paranoid and a person with OCD, was used in a deliberatly hurtful way.
The traits I’ve mentioned above continue to this day, some worse, some better. I have new ones too. I can’t sleep if I don’t have tomorrows clothes laid out. I feel rigid with fear if I forget to say ‘I love you’ to my partner every day. I get up at night to double check I’ve turned off the air fresheners. The last time I was in a car, about 18 months ago, I was still the worlds worst passenger, highly anxious and afraid of other drivers.
My impending sense of doom has been in control for as long as I can remember, but Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has somehow never been diagnosed.
What is OCD?
The NHS England Website describes Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as…
Obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) is a common mental health condition where a person has obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviours.{1}
This is a disorder buried deep into mental illness, but patient stigma remains rife. Statistically, The Royal College of Psychiatrists explains that…
About 1 in every 50 people suffer from OCD at some point in their lives, men and women equally.
Famous sufferers may include the biologist Charles Darwin, the pioneering nurse Florence Nightingale, the actress Cameron Diaz, and the soccer player David Beckham. {2}
In very rounded terms, that’s well over a million people in the UK dealing with the symptoms of OCD every single day. Despite this, it’s clear when you research the subject that people sometimes feel embarrassed and / or ashamed of the problem. I have to wonder why.
We’re back to stigma.
It’s likely I’m not alone in my experience. I’m sure there are others who have been laughed at and ridiculed for having necessary behaviours that might seem odd, and they’ve probably had similar reactions to those I’ve had. Negative, sarcastic, accusatory, shameful labels are attached to someones deep set paranoia all coming from people they trust. If you can’t trust your best friend not to laugh at it, how on earth do you approach a healthcare professional, a total stranger, with it? These negative comments come from lack of understanding, lack of knowledge and lack of empathy, and they aren’t your fault. The likelihood is that a professional will treat you completely differently, but I know the sarcasm from others can be hard to ignore.
OCD is a complicated disorder that is still wildly stigmatised, and it needs to stop. For those of us in need of help it sometimes feels futile. Wait lists are long, negative comments are rife, shame is inevitable.
It’s a self-perpetuating problem. The ridicule, shame and embarrassment can solidify the need to use compulsive behaviour as a coping mechanism. The more you use your compulsions, the more you’re laughed at, the more you need to use them. It goes round and round.
Finding the courage to seek help is always a big step, but it’s a necessary one. I posted recently about the struggle to engage with the NHS. At the moment it’s even harder because many of us are so aware that the staff are under extreme pressure. If you are grappling with you conscience over whether or not to ask for support then my advice is to try an OCD charity as the first step[3].
OCD Support
Here in the UK we have OCD UK. This is a charity that’s been helping children and adults with OCD since 2004. They have a helpline open daily and a useful page called the GP Ice Breaker, with advice on how to approach the subject with your doctor.
There’s also OCD action, a charity formed in 1994 and designed to help anyone effected by OCD including friends and family. They have a super support page dedicated to providing support in a way that you’re most comfortable. They have local groups, zoom meetings, forums and a dedicated helpline too.
But if you’re further away then the International OCD Foundation will be able to point you in the right direction. Their mission is to ensure that no one effected by OCD and it’s related disorders suffers alone. The have additional detailed sections of their website covering Body dismorphic disorder, OCD in children, and hoarding disorder.
I mentioned at the start that I’ve never been diagnosed as having OCD, but I believe I have many of the associated traits. I’ve found that lots of the tools used to help with compulsions are the same, regardless of having a diagnosis. So whether you’re unsure about where to start, nervous about how to start, or sat in an NHS queue waiting for the long-term support you need, there are a few things you can try.
The Mind charity website has an in-depth page dedicated to things you can try to self-manage the compulsions and improve your well-being. They suggest…
- Look for self help resources – OCD UK (mentioned above) have lots of self help resources, including links to books and information to help build your understanding of what’s happening to you and why. Knowledge is power, and it applies with mental illness just as much as physical complaints.
- Build your support network – Although it can be hard to talk about any aspect of mental health, talking doesn’t have to mean the problem gets worse. Thinking carefully and planning a conversation with someone you trust might help build your support network at home. But don’t worry if you aren’t ready to talk to someone you know. Peer support networks exist to alleviate this exact problem. These are groups of people, usually found through charity websites or community groups, that have a direct understanding of the lived experience of OCD. Talking to someone else with compulsions will help you feel less isolated, better heard and well understood.
- Look after your mental and physical health regularly – We all know we need to take care of ourselves, but (in my opinion) the link between mental and physical health isn’t discussed or used positively enough. The mind website suggests that practicing mindfulness, using regular relaxation, and generally managing your stress could have a positive impact on OCD. But they also emphasise the need for physical health. They say that a good diet, regular physical activity and getting a good nights sleep can all have a positive impact too.
In conclusion
First, lets be clear, you shouldn’t let comments made by others about your paranoia/compulsions/habitual behaviours bother you, but I know that’s easier said than done. Rest assured, whether you’re cleaning constantly, washing your hands all the time, or paranoid about the windows being shut, you are definitely not alone. Right now there’s someone else doing the same thing, and feeling just as isolated.
Please don’t feel that way. If you’re in the UK you’re amongst a million other people who are all trying to overcome the problem somehow, and there are lots of us online who are willing to talk about it, and make others (including you) feel less alone.
For all these reasons it’s critical to get professional healthcare as soon as you are able to engage with it. It’s the only route to a long-term, safe and manageable solution for OCD whether it’s through CBT, medication or other therapies. Doctors see these issues day in, day out, and will probably be more empathetic and helpful than you realise.
In line with professional help there are things you can do at home that might help, as I mentioned above. Take a break and use the time specifically to find some assistance that works for your needs. Whether it’s a charity, a trusted friend, peer support network, community group, helpline or someone in your workplace, you’ll be surprised how supportive people can be when you let them in. Even strangers.
Good luck and take care.
The picture
We’re back to the festive images I’ve been promising in the run up to Christmas.
I have loved being able to engross myself in snowy forests, dew-dropped villages, and cozy fireplaces for the last few weeks. This drawing is no exception.
Rudolph is a family favourite at the moment, with our daughter hugging her Rudolph bear every night as she gets tucked in. It was inevitable that I’d draw him looking as if Christmas has thrown up on him!
With his festive patterened jumper, beaming nose and lights tangled around his antlers, it’s a picture that just raises a smile in our daughter, so I hope it does the same for you.
Try not to focus on untangling the lights and turning them off at night. I promise I’ll do it 😉
Thanks for reading 💜
{1} Taken from the NHS website, https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/conditions/obsessive-compulsive-disorder-ocd/overview/, Accessed November 2022
[2] Taken from the Royal College of Psychiatrists website, https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/problems-disorders/obsessive-compulsive-disorder#:~:text=How%20common%20is%20OCD%3F,million%20people%20in%20the%20U.K., accessed November 2022
[3] You must not rely on the information on this website as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you have any specific questions about any medical matter you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you think you may be suffering from any medical condition you should seek immediate medical attention. You should never delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice, or discontinue medical treatment because of information on this website.
Creative Steph 