***TRIGGER WARNING*** This page is specifically about declining mental health and mental illness during the festive season. If you or someone you know is in need of help then a full list of contact information (including opening hours, phone numbers and links) is available at the bottom of this post or my Get Support page. Please ask for help if you need it.
Pressure surrounding the festive season is very real and, if it remains unmanaged ignored and/or disregarded, it can become very serious.
The Priory website states that…
54% of people worry about someone they know at Christmas
and
26% of people say that Christmas makes their mental health worse [1]
They go on to say that the principal reason for struggling is…
83% feeling lonely
81% finding Christmas stressful
47% getting into debt [2]
This ‘perfect season’, where the onus is placed heavily on eating, drinking, giving as much as possible, and being annoyingly merry, is doing very little for our wellness. In fact, I suspect that the pressure to gorge, get pissed, spend excessively and look like you’re enjoying it all, creates a dangerous a vacuum of self-loathing and anxiety over weight-gain, hangovers, unmanageable debt, and sadness for most of us, myself included.
These are stresses that might seem obvious and avoidable to some, but I know that making sure OTHERS enjoy the festivities usually (strangely) means putting your own needs last. As a parent or carer, this seems to be a common problem. My partner is now my defacto carer but he also has a busy/stressful full-time job, and as we have a child with additional needs he finds himself run-down, constantly busy, and without any free-time to call his own throughout the year. My best efforts to make sure he gets time to himself are almost pointless in December, when we are both trying our best to make sure our child (and each other) has the best time despite the circumstances. His mental health is relatively stable, and we talk openly about how we are feeling because of my challenges, but in December I can see the pressure and anxiety rising inside him, and I hate that I feel redundant to make it right.
Pressurised carers who want to provide, find as much time as possible for everyone they love and ensure everyone else is happy, seem to often be forgotten, and that’s not fair or right. In the end a happier partner makes for a happier home and family, and that’s why I regularly think about my partners free-time and enjoyment outside of Christmas. If he wants to go to the gym, he should go. Time in the pub, time on his bike, time in the garage, it shouldn’t matter what they do as long as they are happy, healthy, safe and stress-free.
I no longer take to the festivities as well as I used to. My insular life creates no opportunities for social gatherings, there is a yawning chasm of people who are no longer here to celebrate with us, and I house a crippling level of anxiety that gradually takes hold of every part of the ‘fun’. Mental illness, loneliness and grief are more prevelant than anything – it’s impossible to enjoy December at all. In fact, the only place I don’t feel alone is with my feelings, which I know I secretly share with millions of others. I often wish I could talk to them, but I guess that’s what I’m doing here.
Still, I count myself as lucky in other ways, not least for my partner being home and our young daughter being full of the wonder of Christmas for the very first time this year – with them in my corner it’s hard to stay miserable. I want them to enjoy it, sorry, I mean, they DESERVE to enjoy it, but maybe that just adds to my personal pressure.
So I start planning way back in October, thinking about the things we can do to make everyone happy throughout the season of advent, whilst working around all calendars, financial barriers, and personal limitations. Crafts, baking, card making, learning festive makaton, cheap window stickers, festive rewards chart (for our daughter, although my partner probably should have had one too!). You name it, I tried to pepper it in carefully throughout the final month of 2022.
In 41 years on this grubby little circle named earth, I’ve been through at least 20 Christmasses where I was in charge of my own destiny. The choices I made, the parties i attended, the events I took part in, the food I ate, the people I saw and the money I spent was entirely in my control. There were few that were noteworthy. The one’s I truly remember were when I was a kid, mirroring the excitement of my own daughter today. Why. oh why, have I therefore not learned a bloody thing? All that seasonal know-how should reduce the usual stresses, surely?
No.
Today is December 31st, a full 6 days after ‘the big one’. and for me, it doesn’t feel like Christmas even happened. Instead there’s just a blurred selection of memories knitted together between much longer (and more patchy) periods of worry, stress and anxious smiles pointed at our child while I wait for a positive or negative reaction to something I’ve suggested.
It is not, therefore, the season of goodwill (although being kind to your fellow human shouldn’t be forgotten), a time for forgiving and for forgetting (thanks Cliff!), nor the most wonderful time of the year. It’s a pain in the fucking arse. More accurately, it’s a finanically-strained, stress-fuelled, indulgence-driven, pain in the fucking arse.
And although i’m poking fun at it all, the statistics above show that the genuine negative impact the season has on my mental illness isn’t an isolated one. Lots of us, millions within the UK population alone, are feeling this impact too.
So, what on earth do we do? Christmas 2022 is officially over and we didn’t enjoy it. Actually, rather than feeling full of cheer and joy, what we now feel is more lonely, more depressed, deeper grief, deeper in debt and a heightened need to just run and flee from it all. It’s not a realistic solution, but the desire is still there.
Well, for starters, as every year passes I find myself giving in to the idea that the notion of a ‘perfect Christmas’ is nothing more than a bullshit fairytale. Why do we believe it? It’s been ingrained in our hearts and heads so thoroughly thoroughout December via television, media and cinema, as we see the businessman fall for the country girl, the family dinner where old grievances are forgotten while bread is broken and shared, and the grinch changing his ways because the season makes his heart bigger and his misery disappear, that we believe it’s normal. Every other person celebrating Christmas is doing it without fault, so we should be too.
Wrong.
Everyone is cocking it up one way or another, some with more stressful outcomes than others, but in all cases there is a positive or negative effect on our mental health. How do we find the fun again? How do we make it the ‘most wonderful time of the year’ again?
I think we have to reimagine Christmas.
Christmas…differently
Hear me out.
It is a wonderful time for much simpler reasons than those we now invest in. It doesn’t HAVE to take up the cash. It doesn’t HAVE to include a Norfolk Bronze Turkey with extra large wings and diamond encrusted stuffing. It doesn’t HAVE to include the entire local community, their pets, their cousins and their opinions. But if we take time to LET it be other things, to see the wonder in the simple gifts, then we might remove some of those biggest stresses mentioned by The Priory above.
Wouldn’t it be festive to focus more on the togetherness of those we love? To think about the memories we recall and cherish, the laughter around the table as cheap crackers fail to ‘bang!’ and the jokes within are terrible, the opportunity to give genuine thanks for the person next to you, the gratitude for what we’ve achieved and how far we’ve come, and the anticipation of the better days that we all hope lie ahead?
Wouldn’t it be jolly to dream, but not about fancy cars, piles of plastic or the latest tech? For me at least, it’s a time to dream about a differert outlook. A new year ahead with possibilities I can aim for, progress I can make, love I can appreciate, and (of course) another year to be with my little family to see them progress, achieve, love, succeed and conquer too.
Wouldn’t it be merry to make memories and take photos of the moments you don’t want to lose, to write read messages from others and be thankful for the time they spent putting pen to paper (or finger to phone)? It’s a time to remember those we’ve lost too and when there’s an empty space at your Christmas dinner table you find yourself truly grateful for the efforts made by those still here who want to create new memories with you.
Wouldn’t it be joyful to share, to FaceTime the distant loved ones, to break bread with people you care about, to watch children enjoy each others games (and fight over the winner) and to open your home to others, divide the warmth of your radiators, and split the last ‘Purple One’ from the tin of Quality Street?
It’s a time to love. To love each other, love your life, and learning to love yourself.
Nothing here costs money, but we forget about the importance of these free offerings often, not just this time of year. If we can spend more time on the heart-warmth we can get out of Christmas and less time on the capitalisation going on around us, we might find a balance of both worlds, and manage the stress of the season a tiny bit better.
For me, this Christmas has been difficult. Our daughter has been in hospital multiple times throughout the holiday, she’s still struggling to breathe at night and walking on crutches as I type, and we’ve barely slept as a result (post on this coming later…when I feel able to talk usefully about it). Although it’s been a worrying time, the broken arrangements forced us to find some magical moments in simple things, and gave us a valuable lesson too. We watched The Grinch in bed together (even the dog joined us) and shared cookies. We ate our Christmas lunch 3 days late, but still laughed at our girl trying to play charades and enjoying her broccoli more than a pig in it’s blanket! We built lego houses and got frustrated when we couldn’t understand the instructions. We moved Christmas lights to our daughters bedroom so she could enjoy them while poorly. We listened to audio books together. We taught her our favourite Christmas songs (and she’s still singing them now).
It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t the most wonderful time of the year everyone raves about, but there are memory gems in there that, even when I recall how worried we were about the health of our child, will still make me smile. And they were all simple.
But it isn’t always easy….
It’s ok to need support. These people can help…
For anyone finding the stress of Christmas difficult, or needing mental health support anytime, I hear you. On 3 seperate occasions I had to watch through a window as our child left for hospital without me because of my own mental and physical limitations. It was devestating, I was scared and alone, and desperate for someone to talk to when everyone else was (understandably) busy with the festivities.
Thankfully, after some searching, I managed to find some places that were still open, despite the busy season, and they offered free help and support in a variety of ways. At the time I took a mental note that someone else might need to know all this one day, without the annoying and unfruitful internet searching I went through.
Here is everything I found including the notes I scribbled covering support lines, webchats, text lines and other resources, along with their opening hours and contact details…
The Samaritans website is a constant here in the UK. They have the go-to helpline for crisis situations – simply call 116 123 to speak to a trained agent 24/7/365. They also offer an email contact service, self help app, and an online chat service with varying opening times. Visit the website for more detailed instructions on these other services.
Shout is a 24/7 mental health chat service available throughout the UK to anyone who needs it. Simply text ‘SHOUT‘ to 85258 to speak, via text, with a trained volunteer. Note – during busy periods a response might take time.
Mental Health Matters have helplines and webchat services available (some 24/7) in multiple locations around the UK. Visit their Helpline and Webchat page to find out if they cover your area along with the relevant contact details.
Kooth is an online mental well-being community built specifically for children and young adults aged 10-25. They have an online team available to chat with or message , as well as a peer support network created to be used anonymously, making it easier to talk honestly and provide support to others. More information can be found on their website, but you’ll need to join before getting any specifics and the website isn’t clear about who can use it, so check if it’s right for you before signing up.
The National Suicide Prevention Helpline is open 6.00pm to 3.30am (yes, overnight, when things can feel their worst) to anyone looking for a supportive listening service because of suicidal thoughts. They are open every day of the year.
Sane is an independent charity offering emotional support (and other services) to anyone affected by declining mental health and/or mental illness. Their SANEline is available on 0300 304 7000 and is open between 4.00pm and 10pm usually every day of the year. Alongside this they offer a textcare support service (not for a crisis situation) and a peer support forum (always open, but not a crisis service) that you can join anonymously.
SupportLine is a confidential emotional support service available to anyone in the UK. Their number is 01708 765200 but opening hours vary. They also offer an email support service, with full details on their contact page.
Papyrus is a suicide prevention charity for young people (up to age 35) and their concerned friends and family. They offer a HOPEline service, open from 9am to midnight every day on 0800 068 4141. They also have a text and email service available – full details on their contact page.
C.A.L.M. (Campaign Against Living Miserably) is an organisation on a mission to prevent suicide and help anyone understand that life is always worth living. Their helpline is open 365 days a year from 5pm to midnight and the number is 0800 585858. They also offer an online webchat service – visit their website for more information including useful resources and other support ideas they have.
The Mix provides essential support to the under 25’s, providing help and advice on any subject from mental health to finances. They have a helpline available 4pm to 11pm Monday to Saturday on 0808 808 4994, as well as an email service, counselling services, one-to-one chats, group community chats and crisis support service open to anyone 24/7. Visit their Get Support page for all the relevant contact information.
The Mind Website is a huge library of information, and they have an entire section of their site dedicated to mental illness at Christmas alongside their Emergency helpline, crisis resources, and mental health a to z.
The NHS offer support via the NHS 111 service, accessible online or by calling 111 from your mobile or landline 24/7/365. Of course, for life-threatening emergencies call 999 and ask for the police or an ambulance depending on the situation.
This information will be added to my Get Support page, and a new page will be added soon including information on the fast support services available (especially out of hours), for any mental health concern or crisis situation.
The picture
I’m hoping to post something at 23.59 today, so this won’t be my last post for 2022.
I didn’t want the picture for this post to be to morose, but I wanted to get the idea of festive stress and misery across. I needed a gentler approach.
So I went back to my kawaii style to create these festive baubles with rudolph, santa, a snowman and (my daughters current favourite) a penguin all colourful and jolly – as we’d expect.
But highlighted at the centre is a sad polar bear, stuck in the middle of the fun but unable to let it in. I imagine his feelings are broken, he feels like an imposter, and he’s isolated too. But he found some people to talk to, and his 2023 Christmas includes them, along with plenty of love, laughter and the odd purple Quality Street!
I hope this post helps you find some support that works for you, whether you’re in the middle of a personal mental health whirlwind or worried about someone you care about. Take some advice, don’t suffer in silence.
Thanks for reading, lets hope for a peaceful 2023 💜
[1] The Priory Group Website, 2022, accessable at https://www.priorygroup.com/mental-health/christmas-and-mental-health, accessed December 2022
[2] The Priory Group Website, 2022, accessable at https://www.priorygroup.com/mental-health/christmas-and-mental-health, accessed December 2022
Creative Steph 