Took me a while to write this one.
Whenever we are poorly, however long our illness takes to mend (if it ever will), whatever the health problem is, the load is infinitely lightened with the support of those around us.
This week a nurse said to me “We’re concerned about the amount your partner is having to juggle.”. I’m concerned too, and even though we’re managing the household and family tasks as best we can, there are days that are worse for us all and days that still seem pretty good. Nonetheless, this throwaway comment cut me to the core.
I’m acutely aware that being stuck indoors for 2 years has had a tsunami of effects on my family. My mental illness and chronic pain make it difficult to live with me too. Everything from walking the dog, going on a date night, or just seeing the school play is out of the question for me. It’s awful and physically painful for me to miss these things, but I’ve found a way to ignore the pain my absense causes now and then.
My partner is also my carer and he has all those tasks sitting on his lap now. While many of them seem pain-free and simple, not having more free time must be hard for him. Although he never moans I’m sure it’s something he’d enjoy.
Carers who are doing the job out of love rather than gainful employment are overlooked all the time. In the UK it’s thought there are over 5 million carers [1] , with the majority aged between 45 & 65. Their health is imapcted by the work required to care for someone else, with 60% reporting a long-term health condition. A massive 1 in 3 people who work for the NHS are also providing unpaid care.
The mental health charity Mind have a page dedicated to the mental health of carers where they talk about the potential fallout when you care for someone. They list stress, anxiety, isolation and loneliness, financial concerns, less alone time, frustration, guilt and lack of sleep as some of the concerning symptoms and feelings that might arise. [2]
With so many people working and caring at the same time, it’s no wonder they can end up so unwell themselves. There is a ripple effect that might be avoided with better emotional and physical management.
So what can we do to help our treasured loved ones going over an above for us in our hours (or years) of need?
First, try and give them time to themselves. If you need alternative carer support while they are out then social services or a local charity might be able to help. An panic button is also useful if you might need an ambulance without someone at home to help. Finally, we’ve set up our Amazon Echo to react in an emergency by setting up my partners number. This means me or my daughter can call him even if we can’t reach a phone. We just shout at the echo “Alexa, call daddy!”.
Both online and community support is available through charitable organisations such as The Carers Trust, Carers Support and Carers UK. These orginsations have expert support information on their website and via community groups. For an isolated carer this could be a real lifeline.
Treat your carer to something you can manage. It could be a surprise afternoon watching a movie and make some delicious snack to enjoy. It could be a picnic at the park. It could be a surprise day off because you’ve made other care arrangements. Or, like me, you could surprise them with love by making the coffee, distracting the kids for a few hours or putting up with their favourite tv programme.
It’s not easy to care for someone you love, and it’s not easy to feel like the burden causing the pain. The most important thing you can offer each other is a listening ear. Take time ot talk to each other as often as you can. Check in with each other, know what’s on both your minds, listen to each others joy and sadness, and make sure no one feels lonely.
Although we shield our daughter from the more difficult moments, she is aware that I use a wheelchair, struggle with walking and I’m sick regularly. Her response when she sees anything upsetting is to sit with me for a cuddle, which is lovely, and I’d never want to burden her further. However, for me at least, any impact on her is one impact too many.
There are a variety of ways that children in the UK are also providing unpaid care for someone at home, and they deserve a break too. For more information on how to support them and provide them with days away from their caring duties, visit any of these pages:
- Action for Children, Young Carers page
- Barnardos Young Carers page
- Action for family carers, Young Carers page
- The Childrens Society Young Carers page
- KIDS Young Carers Page
Thanks for reading 💜
[1] Taken from the Carers UK Survey available at https://www.carersuk.org/policy-and-research/key-facts-and-figures/ accessed July 2023
[2] Taken from the Mind website available at https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/your-mental-health/ accessed July 2023
Creative Steph 