My invisibility cloak – when loneliness and mental illness collide

Yes, I’m lonely. You’re not surprised. Yes, I’ve been indoors for a looooooooong time, you know this too. Yes, I have pretty severe social anxiety and low self esteem – that’s probably unsurprising also.

But I have a superpower that allows me do things others could only dream of. A skill that provides me with even more silence and an abundance of even more sadness. In fact, it’s such a strong superpower that it’s left me wondering how I stop it or get some control back.

What makes me so special?

Invisibility.

Now, I totally forgive that you’d think someone living in the isolated way I do should expect this power by default. That invisibility comes as part of the deal. Loneliness = no one to see you.

Talking seriously, I’ve been making an effort to find some comrades virtually. Some people who share a hobby or creative outlet with me. I’ve joined forums, blogs, and chat rooms (yes, they still exist!) and from time to time I bravely post something that’s relevant in the hope someone might reply.

So far, they haven’t.

It’s incredibly difficult to find the courage to talk to new people when you’ve had no social life for years. I’m not just afraid of other people, I have a deep mistrust in them. To talk to new people, even online, I have to sidestep that fear and mistrust, but I’m itching for a connection with another human. Just a chat. So I have to be brave.

There’s no one I can blame or be angry with other than myself. I shouldn’t be so desperate, so reliant on a forum, so hurt by an obvious monotone email auto-response, so angry at the mounting empty reply columns.

But I am.

It leaves me with a reasonable question: How does an isolated human make new connections that are at least slightly real and meaningful? You can chat to anyone on social media, troll a celebrity to bait a response from a fan or make controversial political comments, but none of those ‘connections’ are long-term, helpful or reciprocal. It’s just more angry honking from twitters’ geese.

If you can’t leave home for whatever reason, there needs to be a place where you can meet real people and slowly start to build trust and maybe, eventually, a friendship. If such a place exists, I can’t bloody find it.

That made me wonder about the feasibility of starting something myself. Maybe I could create a unique forum to fill this void (and my personal one too)? But on closer inspection it looks like the GDPR rules and anonymity required would make it a minefield project, and (as you know) I can’t handle stress either.

Although I’m afraid of being hurt by others, I still have hope that I won’t just evaporate into the ether as nothing more than Steph – mum to one, partner to one, no friends, no family. I probably sound dramatic but that seems like a tragedy to me right now, but it is my reality.

To try and remedy my invisibility I MAY have found a solution. It’s simple and, believe it or not, involves one of the social media platforms I’ve already had no luck with.

Twitter.

They offer a ‘spaces’ resource, which involves creating a REAL VOICE-ON-VOICE CHAT, where users can join and talk to each other freely just the same as a phone call. The big difference (and huge advantage) is with the basic anonymity already offered by the social media giant. You use your existing Twitter login information to take part, so nothing new is revealed, but your profile and existing connections on Twitter, however minor, help with the need for trust.

So I think I might give it a go – be brave enough to reveal my own voice in order to hear some other friendly voices – something I’ve been missing for years. I’ve decided that, although I’d love to talk about writing, drawings and generally being creative, actually the more important subject is isolation and living with mental illness, and I’m hoping others might want to talk about it with me.

I have no idea if it’ll be successful, or if anyone will even be interested in attending, or how easy it’ll be to create and hold a conversation about subjects we’re all finding so hard.

But I do know I’m running out of ideas, I do know my frustration over being ignored is becoming painful, and I do know that the majority of my Twitter interactions have been positive. For those reasons, it’s worth trying.

If you’d like to come along, great! I’d LOVE you to be there and to meet you and say a very real ‘hello’. I’m going to post a few times on Twitter about it (username @stephwrites40), and once I’ve got a bit of interest I’ll poll the most popular times to see what suits people. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you are or what you’re juggling, you WILL be welcome. The only rule will be one of kindness.

And if you’re feeling low or isolated and this idea isn’t for you, don’t give up. The things that didn’t work for me might be perfect, and don’t underestimate the positivity of a chat with a charity helpline – these people are in place to offer support and advice to anyone struggling. Have a look at my Get Support page for ideas.

I really hope to hear your voice in a Twitter space soon. If you have other ideas and suggestions then leave a comment or contact me – I’d love to hear them and tell others too!

Thanks for reading 💜.