My body, my choice, right?
It’s a buzz-phrase but, for me at least, it’s one of the few important ones. As someone who is fully pro-choice, for a myriad of reasons, I’m proud to live in a country where it’s a choice we can all truly make. Let’s face it, for many women around the world their autonomy is robbed of them, and ‘choice’ isn’t part of life.
Now, going back to where I started, think about that same phrase – my body, my choice – and consider how common it is to hear it from people across the gender spectrum, then ask yourself how many of those same people impose an unwritten rule that parents should ‘keep a pregnancy quiet for the first 3 months”.
This type of deep-seated uncaring conditioning has been the norm throughout my life. Every pregnancy I’ve lost over the last 25 years (yes, there’s been a few, and it was always awful) has been preempted with the badly disguised rhetorical question “should you really be telling anyone yet?”
I’ll reiterate…
My body, my choice.
But it’s taken me nearly 3 decades to understand that’s the right train of thought. I’m sad that 18-year-old me would still face such outdated social stigma today, largely perpetuated by the patriarchy, but also by other women. To coin another buzz phrase…
We should know better.
I’m not looking to open up difficult conversations about the squiggly and controversial lines of where body and choice meet, I’m only talking about the phrase in the context of early pregnancy, and how tired I am of the shame parents are forced to feel just for revealing their pregnancy news. I feel just as fed up over the inevitable ‘I told you so’ that comes if, IF, something doesn’t go to plan and you had the audacity to talk before the pointlessly magical 3 months were up.
So where does the shame come from? And why does it still exist with as much acceptance when we’ve come so far? Why do we enforce this unwritten rule on expectant parents when the fact still remains? Because, frankly…
Their body, their choice.
For my other questions the answer seems obvious but infuriating. People who enforce the 12 week rule of silence are doing it for themselves, not the expectant people around them. When you find out you’re expecting it’s often something you want to celebrate, and part of that is being able to smile and feel the excitement from your friends and family. Sharing the love should be possible at any point of gestation.
When a pregnancy does fail during the first trimester it’s still incredibly painful experience both mentally and physically. Being an early miscarriage doesn’t make the bereavement somehow less significant. So, If the parents follow the unwritten 3 month rule then they face severe emotional turmoil over someone they’ve lost, and they’ll face it all alone if they weren’t permitted to tell anyone.
It feels like an outdated problem, but the narrative feels like it’s being dragged through thick mud. Mental health is something everyone has to work to maintain, and parenthood is one of the most exciting and stressful experiences imaginable. Why on earth can’t parents talk about being expectant whenever they want to? Why shouldn’t they be able to cry, laugh, be joyful, or just get their worries off their chest?
I realise changing society is a tall order, so I’d just like to ask that, if you have a friend or family member who tells you they’re expecting earlier than the norm, try to think about your language before saying something that might cause them worry, upset or concern. Is it necessary to remind them how early it is, and cause embarrassment and anxiety along the way?
Now, in some cases, people won’t always feel comfortable talking about pregnancy, and I totally understand that. Being mindful of who you tell to avoid the possibility of triggering some past experiences is important.
If you’ve suffered a pregnancy loss, if you know someone who has, or you’d like more information and support on the subject, then there are several charities who can help.
Cruse – the U.K. bereavement charity – https://www.cruse.org.uk/
Sands – baby loss support – https://www.sands.org.uk/
The miscarriage association – https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/
For more information on mental health support please visit the mental health and suicide prevention page on this website.
Thanks for reading.
Creative Steph 