***TRIGGER WARNING*** This post will go into some detail about being bullied. It will also talk about the impact on parents mental health when they find out their child is going through something so upsetting. Please only read on if you feel strong enough. Please visit my mental health and suicide prevention support page for more information on organisations that can help if you need it. Thanks for visiting. ***TRIGGER WARNING***
I know this is a complex subject, but as a parent who was thrown into the middle of an unexpected bullying situation, it’s something I know many people will resonate with, and frankly, I can’t avoid talking about it right now.
Our 7-year-old daughter is on the spectrum, but after attending a specialist provision for some time, she’s now in mainstream schooling with additional support provided via an EHCP. If you’re a parent with a child on the spectrum, I highly recommend getting an EHCP in place as soon as possible, without ours we would never have been able to activate help for our girl in this situation.
I’ve mentioned a few times that our daughters communication has been problematic throughout her life, with her being non-verbal until she was nearly 6. With the help of school her verbal agility has gradually improved, but she still struggles with questions and answers and explaining herself or her choices in lots of situations.
So when we found out (indirectly) that she’s experienced being ‘picked on’ during school playtime, my heart sank twice. First, because as a parent, I feel like I’m failing when I don’t see and stop problems like this for her. Second, because I knew immediately that she’d struggle to explain what’s been happening to her, when, how and any reasons why.
Because the informaiton was ‘indirect’ we had to look into the severity and length of time it had been happening. Was this an isolated situation or had it been happening for some time? Who knew about it, and why weren’t we told?
When she struggles to answer questions or feels difficult emotions we’ve noticed that our daughter either zones out, looking overwhelmed by a wash of thoughts she can’t manage, or she just repeats ‘I’m sorry’, when she clearly has nothing to be sorry for. We’re working with her to step back when she feels overwhelmed, using a calm box at home for her to dip into when those emotions become unmanageable, but outside of home we’re not in complete control. Many parents will understand how concerning that ‘out of control’ feeling is, especially when you’re told something is going wrong and you’re in the dark as to what and why.
I thought I’d share some of the things that have helped us unravel the difficulties she’s experiencing, and provide us as parents and (more importantly) her as a schoolkid, some confidence about her safety going forward.
1. Friends and their families
When we found out something was going on, my immediate feeling was utter isolation and naivety. How didn’t I know? How long has it been happening? Why has no one told me? What should I have done better to help her manage this? How can I help her to tell us? And then again, how didn’t I know?
When we asked her carefully, she couldn’t explain clearly. It was obvious from her reaction that something was going on, but the severity and detail wasn’t clear at all. So, who do you go to next? I didn’t feel confident in any normal school response, and i’ll come to that later, so we needed independent information.
Thankfully we were at the end of the school day in the early evening. My partner and I decided to send a message via the parents What’s App group, being as vague as possible, and ask the other parents if their kids knew or had seen anything. It might seem odd to be vague, but we wanted to find out if the childrens accounts would match without any information given to them. Sure enough, several children gave stories to their parents and when they were passed to us, they all matched.
The parental What’s App groups are often mocked for being more of a pain in the arse than a help, but on occasions like this you’ll be glad you’re part of that quiet community. Even though I’ve found it frustrating in the past, I’d always recommend being part of one once your kid is at school.
Making contact with other families this way proved to be a huge help for us both. Suddenly all that ‘morning drop-off’ politics where parents ignore each other and gaggles of mums cackle in a corner seemingly mocking other parents, went out of the window. Everyone in the group sent messages of love and support, some even sent private video and voice messages from their kids to our daughter, promising to help and support her while they’re at school. What a relief, we thought. We not only had evidence of the events that had unfolded, we also had something more useful and important – the support of her peers and their families.
2. The Educational Health and Care Plan (EHCP)
For parents already juggling the difficulties of looking after a child with SEN this document is a massive pain in the arse to put in place, make no mistake. When you’re chasing your local authority to try and get one for your child, you start to wonder if it’s even worthwhile. Let me assure you, that pain can pay off in the long run and in a situation like this, you’ll be glad you have it.
Via the EHCP we have regular contact with a Special Educational Needs (SEN) expert at the school. This person not only knows us, but through the EHCP they know about our daughters needs, her abilities, her worries, her social circle, her acadmeic progress and most importantly, what support she needs to manage it all while in an education setting.
I guess it might be difficult to understand, but when you have a neurodivergent child in a mainstream school, you need to know that someone there is championing their needs. All kids have needs in school, of course, but they’re often pretty similar, and a mainstream teacher obviously isn’t an SEN specialist. This means our SEN specialist is the most important person at the school for our family. They know our kid personally, spend time with her academically and socially, and ensure her needs are met from educational, social and safeguarding perspectives and, where needed, that reasonable adjustments are made to meet them. She also keeps in touch with us about such matters on a regular basis.
Unsurprisingly, when we found out about the problems our daughter was facing, this was the second person we contacted. She was as surprised and frustrated as we were, and started work to find out more almost immediately. Her support and input continues to provide us with relief and a bit more confidence. We know she’ll look in to it thoroughly, and make sure all children involved have the help they need.
3. Trust the process, NOT social media
Look, lets be honest. When you know someone else is hurting someone you love there is an undeniable temptation to find the agressor/s on social media. But how does it help, really? Especially when you’re thinking about a school bully. Yes, knowing what they look like helps us to protect our daughter from them when she’s out and about, but other than that it’s just scratching a pointless, phantom itch. Contacting parents via Facebook or other online services and posting about events publicly only effects the children negatively, and can impact family life too…for all parties.
A process has to be followed by the school, who have a responsibility to our kids and the other children involved. They have to investigate properly, take appropriate action, safeguard everyone involved and provide appropriate support. Yes, although it might seem odd to some people, it needs to be understood that an agressor needs help too. In fact, IMO, the sooner they have help the less likely it is they’ll continue expelling their upset onto more people.
The only caveat to trusting the process that I personally hold is time. When you’re asking an education setting to investigate something as serious as a bullying accusation, you should expect it to be looked in to and responded to pretty quickly. For me that means days rather than weeks, but if you find yourself in a similar situation then you might be better off asking for a firm timeframe for a response and having that back in writing for peace of mind.
4. Communication with your kid
Yes, this is difficult for parents and children where communication is a challenge, but through additional tools and meaningful time together, you can open up an honest and important dialogue with your child about their interactions with their peers.
Whether they are being bullied, feel left out, or are simply lacking confidence amongst their friends, being able to talk to your child about it is essential. We’ve used the child-specific sign language Makaton to help us with it in the past.
There are several organisations who can help you and your child, here are a few links with more information…
The NSPCC has a page about bullying and cyberbullying – https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/bullying-and-cyberbullying/
The National Bullying Helpline are open 9am to 5pm Monday to Friday and offer advice and support for both adults and children – https://www.nationalbullyinghelpline.co.uk/about.html
The Anti-Bullying Alliance has several pages on bullying and how to get help from various organisations along with their individual contact details – https://anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk/tools-information
Parental mental health and child bullying
Selfishly, I’m using this post as an opportunity to talk about the impact on my mental health as a parent of a child potentially being bullied. If I can’t talk about it here, where can I talk about it?
Yes, unsurprisingly, I’m still in a downward spiral about it all. After the sadness over the situation had faded, all the emails and messages had been written and sent, and she was happily tucked up in bed, I found I was blaming myself for the whole situation. Why do parents do this to themselves? I was awake most of last night asking that question.
Truth is, most of us work really hard to shield our kids avoid as much emotional turmoil as possible. Making sure they know how to say ‘No’, understand stranger danger, know how to be polite, work hard to be kind, understand the importance of friendship, respect their peers and grown-ups, and most of all, enjoy and engage with education, are some of the biggest considerations I have each and every day.
So when something alien and unexpected appears and tries to undo all that hard work, I decide it’s something I should have known was coming, and therefore should have managed it before it happened.
The real-world impact for me was panic. I got all the important stuff done, managed the situation as best I could at the time, and then sank into anxiety.
What could I do better?
What have I missed?
Have I been listening properly?
Have I been teaching her well?
Is she hiding her fear?
Have I done a bad job?
Is she being picked on because she’s different?
After the questions are over, I’m the one to blame.
It’s something a therapist will want to unravel one day, I’m sure, but in the meantime I’ve found talking to other parents via that same Whats App group has been a massive help. Knowing you aren’t alone in blaming yourself can be its own therapy. We all worry that, as parents and guardians, we’re the ones responsible for every issue our kids come across. In reality, they’re at school living their own lives, and we aren’t in control all the time.
What we can do is manage, even remotely, by using the tools we’re given and the people around us to protect our kids much better in the future.
In conclusion
I’m still in the middle of this upsetting tornado, so I have no idea what the fix is eventually going to be.
However, keeping in touch with other families, making sure our daughter has an up-to-date EHCP in place, communicating with her about her emotions regularly, and having a support network of SEN specialists in her school have all been critical in easing our worries and keeping her attendance at 100%.
Thankfully, in just a couple of weeks, the holidays will start, then the real headache will come 😉
Thanks for reading.
Creative Steph 