Someone wrote to me on social media recently and reminded me how important it is to be myself on here. Internally I believe that means I should be honest, open and sometimes vulnerable. Up to now I thought I was doing exactly that, but when I looked closely I realised ‘Steph’ has become a little lost.
I’ve struggled for weeks over whether to write an publish this. Despite many assumptions about my life, I spend most days buried under a pile of to-do lists, ideas to be a better parent, flashbacks I’d rather avoid, drowsiness from pain relief, article requests, thoughts about my own health and wondering where I’m heading, and how I get there.
A caveat before I get into this post – everything I’ve done so far has been wonderful and I’m happy with the creative work I’ve completed. As my previous posts on progress show, it’s taken me to some excellent and unexpected places.
But there’s stuff I haven’t been saying (believe it or not!), and I’m going to try and tell you about how the actions of others continue to effect me today…
The Aim
This website was actually built as a place for my creative work to live. I simply wanted a space online where I could share what I’d made and showcase any improvements. Ultimately I hoped my daughter would see it one day and realise that, although I’m weird and mostly cut-off from society, I still worked hard to be better…to be something worthwhile.
I wanted to be creative, that was all.
But as these things sometimes do, the goalposts moved and I found myself offering up my personal story and the reasons why I became creative in the first place, to anyone who might find it useful. Slowly but surely the website became my worry monster, and the responsibility on my shoulders to promote positivity for others whilst cowering behind my own cushions became pretty heavy.
I’ve been pretending I’m ‘fine’ because I believed that’s what others need. It’s my new normal, but it’s not authentic and it’s difficult for me to maintain.
The level of scrutiny I put my writing under is huge. I pour over every word more than most bloggers would ever bother to, but in the MH landscape you have to say AND do the right things. Why? Because I care about others.
Now this website and my crusade are very different from what I’d intended. It’s no longer about solving my own problems, it’s about helping everyone else with theirs. But that’s not a bad thing. In fact, I love it! Being a person whose writing you enjoy reading, whose pictures you want to see, who talks openly about mental illness and removes some of the clandestine stigma that still exists, seems like a better use of my time than crying into my cornflakes.
Even if I reach one person and that leads them to a safe resolution and appropriate support for their mental illness or chronic pain, then I believe I’ve done something very worthwhile.
But my personal health (mental and physical) has declined.
So the question has come back round. I’ve gone full-circle. I needed somewhere to make myself feel better, so I built this website, and now I need somewhere ELSE to feel better. Do I build ANOTHER site? Do I start a new creative crusade? Or do I just start over and erase the past? Every route available isn’t one I’d been heading for and all I’m left with is the same repeating question I had 2 years ago…
What the fuck do I do?
Behind the scenes
To move forward and feel like I’m achieving things that are worthwhile I have to think about the next 10 steps constantly. That means I’m always looking for the right people, asking for help and requesting statistics and advice from them. These are normal activities for me.
If I want to be part of a real change, a change that makes a tangible difference to the generation that includes my daughter, then I need the help of others, and I need to offer my own help back. I’m no one, so I can only make big changes happen if I help out and join forces with others. It’s especially critical when you’re navigating a landscape that’s so misunderstood, important and potentially dangerous.
I write to charities, publishers, magazines, and other contacts regularly, sometimes I’ll contact multiple people in one week and most of those messages are me offering my time to help out. Why? Because I believe I can and SHOULD help out where I’m able to.
BUT…It takes courage to introduce myself to a stranger, even via email. Then it takes time and effort to get the message right, a task that takes most people minutes will take me days.
Sadly, it’s incredibly rare that anyone gets back to me.
It would make anyone despondent, to be constantly bypassed for reasons you’ll never know. As a mental illness patient, it makes me feel like shit. My heartfelt email, that’s taken the bravery of a lion to write and send, ends up in the bin. Its a fair assumption that I’m sometimes spammed, but I know that the stragglers that click a link and bother to come to my site must decide my work isn’t good enough.
It’s fucking depressing.
Then it adds a layer of pressure because I feel I need to get better, work harder, improve the quality of my work, create more, try try try.
Again, I’m left with one question. Why am I doing this?
I’ve decided (for now at least) to keep trying, but the relentless nature of the silence makes it challenging to believe I should.
I’m getting older, and as I’ve said before, I’m juggling pain, poor mental health and isolation at quite extreme levels. This project turned into something amazing and I’ve worked really hard so far…but how long can I keep it up? That’s the question I can’t answer.
The positive parts
But sometimes you have to take a step back from the negatives and remember how far you’ve come.
My long suffering partner is the one who has to listen to my disappointment when someone fails to reply or let’s me down. He remains sympathetic but reminds me regularly that I’ve achieved so much and I’m dismissing it all because someone missed an email from me.
In 18 months so much has happened and I now find myself as true Mental Health Advocate for a massive U.K. charity – work I’ve been doing behind the scenes throughout 2022. I’m a community moderator for an international publication – Spoonie Press and I’m also one of their volunteer Staff Writers, providing at least on me article a month to be published on their website. My artwork is in multiple galleries, and my creative writing has won competitions. I’ve written articles for online publications about life with mental illness and life with chronic pain, and the feedback has been incredible. I’ve created artwork for magazine covers, articles and blog posts. The list goes on…
Best of all, as I sit here typing this, my ‘to do list’ includes a long list of requests for more of the same.
I think it’s time to stop looking for more, and instead carry the load I already have (and love!).
If my post has left you feeling pissed off then please don’t. Have a think about the good things you’ve done, the incredible progress you’ve made and the amazing person you are. Just sitting here reading this message is doing something good for another human – me.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for reading my brain farts. Thank you for supporting. Thank you for not spamming me or putting me at the bottom of your pile. Thank you for being awesome. Even though the journey has been hard going, meeting you guys is the sunshine that fades the grey. You all make me incredibly happy, and help to fuel my ongoing progress.
So I’ll keep ignoring the people who do the same to me. I’ll put them at the bottom of my pile and remind myself that you’re here (and hopefully one day my daughter too) and that’s all that really matters.
Thanks for reading!
The picture
This seemingly negative post turned into a positive one about the journey I’ve been on.
What does it all boil down to?
Love.
We need more, we want more, and we have lots available. I love all of you for your support, so this graffiti image of the word is dedicated to you. I’m using it on my social media for the same reason – to give some love back.
Where is the love? It’s right here.
Creative Steph 