****TRIGGER WARNING**** this post will talks about mental illness and various symptoms including self harm and suicidal thoughts. Although there’s no detail, please only read on if you feel able to. If you need support for your mental health, please look at my Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Support Lines Page.
Pffft.
The world is supposed to be thinking about its collective brain right now (and the brains of our fellow man) as it’s mental health awareness day.
Like many people with a mental illness that’s attacking them, it’s hard to digest the idea that a day of general chatter will ever make a difference when the services we need, services from mental illness branches of the nhs and social care system, are totally fucked.
Years stuck indoors will always make a person that’s considered to be a little outside of sane, and I know everyone that I’ve discussed this with struggles to understand the reasons and impact of 2.5 years in such isolation. In recent months I’ve entered crisis several times, as I’ve discussed on here, and found myself struggling to find anyone, at all, who can help.
When under control, my needs aren’t especially complex. I need support to check my meds are still working once a year and coping mechanism ideas from time to time, but besides this I was managing just ok. I had the support of community mental health NHS services throughout the last 8 years (since I tried to end my life) and I’ve never been complacent or ungrateful for their input. In fact, I found it invaluable.
Since my physical health deteriorated and entering crisis earlier this year, I’ve been discharged by the NHS and passed from pillar to post. I’ve lost my medication support, I no longer have a crisis line to call, no duty contact, and no support worker. I rarely used them, but in an emergency they were important.
Left untended, a mental health dip can turn into a nightmare, and that’s where I am today. The big difference is I have no one to speak to except for my partner.
As I’ve explained every year, the annual grief gauntlet is about to appear for me, spending 6 weeks consumed by the unresolved bereavement of my parents and our first daughter. It’s always a time where I reflect, but this year is turning in to a time where I’m wondering if I can survive this. I’m so sad, so confused, and so anxious about so many things, and all I can do is live with it.
I feel hated and disregarded by services I was relying on and trusted. Alternative services offered via my GP are time limited, and they disappear faster than they come on board. It’s hard to know who to trust, who to confide in, and who to contact that will be thorough.
I’m not suicidal now, but I have been. At 3.30am those difficult thoughts have become overwhelming. I wonder why I’m here and feel that my life has been completely worthless.
Thankfully I love my little family and can’t bear the idea of upsetting them or causing them emotional pain, but that means I exist in my own pain perpetually, and I’m drowning enough to be harming myself again. I’m very careful and private with the process because I’m trained, but I stopped about 2 years ago and thought I’d kicked the habit. At present (in desperation) it’s the only fix I can find for my pain and I don’t want it.
I want to be clear, self harm always needs treatment and long term resolution (please contact your GP or one of these mental health and suicide prevention support lines if it’s a challenge for you too), but I’m relying on it to drain my anxiety and i hate it.
I don’t want to be this low, I don’t want to exist with such poor self esteem, I’d love to feel like I’m doing something good with my life, but right now I feel like nothing, because I feel that’s what the world (plus the NHS & Social Care) think too. That I’m worthless and my health doesn’t matter.
I’m not begging for attention, but I am explaining how a crisis plays out for someone with a personality disorder, and this crisis was avoidable. Left without help, people like me can end up in a dangerous position when preventative measures could have been taken. This would save time and money, but it feels as though our need for help is brushed under the carpet with a prayer that nothing bad will happen.
My GP has been good, and I have to be thankful for that. Where others have given in he’s still here and trying to find something that helps in the long and short term. He is the reason I still advocate for NHS referrals – there are so many good eggs in the system.
As I said before, please make contact with your own GP or a mental health support charity if you need help too.
In keeping with my usual self, I want to mention that a few antidotes helped distract me from this relentless pain on recent days. First, writing poems. As my Crap Poems series shows, creativity can really help. Second, reading. It’s not always easy to concentrate on a handheld book, so audiobooks and podcasts are a great way to scratch this itch. Finally, RuPauls Drag Race, because it’s hilarious, inclusive, creative and if you can’t love yourself how in the hell are you going to love somebody else, can I get an amen up in here?
Look after yourself and thanks for reading 💜
Creative Steph 