Although I’m very open about my health you’ll be unsurprised to know there’s an awful lot going on at home that I don’t mention.
Why? Well in many cases it’s about privacy for my family. I choose to be open about my story, but it’s not their choice, so I keep some things under wraps. Other subjects, though, are slightly more complicated.
My own mental health, for example, is discussed in detail when I’m considering past events and the way they effect me just to use those experiences to help others. However, the impact of my brain’s instability on the present day has become more difficult to discuss.
I’ve had my hand forced to discuss it though. Why? Because it can be seen.
Anyone with a mental illness will have been met with questions and stigma in the past – because such instability can’t be seen many people (often people who should know better) disbelieve us. What you can’t see can easily be disregarded. It’s completely wrong, but in some places it’s still very normal.
But I had no idea there were some illnesses that take mental strain from invisible to visually obvious.
About 3 weeks ago I was diagnosed with Bells Palsy.
What is Bells Palsy?
In a description taken from the National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke, Bell’s palsy is a neurological disorder that causes paralysis or weakness on one side of the face. It occurs when one of the nerves that controls muscles in the face becomes injured or stops working properly. Bell’s palsy is the most common cause of facial paralysis.
According to the Crystal Touch Bells Palsy Clinic stress plays a very important and negative role in Bell’s palsy. It is not scientifically proven, yet, it is evident, also from their experience with their patients, that stress participates as a risk factor in Bell’s palsy.
They suggest there are two ways that stress causes BP – by supressing your immune system and by causing vascular spasms.
So, what happened?
About a month ago I started developing a strange sensation on the left side of my face – I constantly thought I was dribbling and that my nose was running, but there was nothing there. With no pain or other new symptoms to report, my partner and I dismissed it as a side effect of medication, and thought nothing of it.
Fast forward a few days and my partner was popping out of the house to get some shopping. I was laying on the bed feeling pretty low and as he came in to say goodbye he asked what was wrong with my face. I had no idea what he was talking about, but when I looked in the mirror the left side of my face had completely fallen – like the scaffolding underneath had been taken away. My eye was drooping, so was my mouth, cheek and nose and I couldn’t lift my eyebrow.
We tried to call our GP but with no one available we were told to call 111 urgently – technically I was ‘FAST’ positive and needed to be checked for a stroke.
I want to be clear – I knew I wasn’t having a stroke. I had no other symptoms, only a slight pain behind one ear, and I was able to stand, walk and hold out my arms without a problem. My cognitive function also felt normal. However, if you are FAST (Face, Arms, Speech, Time to call 999) then you MUST call 999 to be checked for a stroke.
It’s at this point that I’ll mention the stress that I’ve been silent about for some time. For a few months (since before Christmas) I’ve been finding anything even slightly stressful almost catastrophic to deal with. I’ve been crying every day, shaking, with anxiety that I can’t control even with medication. What’s caused it? A variety of things, but mainly my pain, feeling useless, grief, and concern about financial issues have knocked me sideways. In the past I’d deal with these problems head on, and find ways of making it less stressful for us all, but I’ve lost the confidence and ability to be this organised and driven. Instead I hide from it all and worry like hell. That’s where I’d been mentally for the weeks leading up to the facial drooping.
After paramedics visited, they took photos and, although the droop was pretty extreme, I explained that I’ve been housebound for nearly 3 years and why I didn’t feel I was having a stroke. They wanted me to attend hospital, but I said no. I don’t recommend this decision for anyone else.
They arranged a GP appointment and suggested that this could be Bells Palsy. The GP confirmed the diagnosis, and placed me on a prescription of 10 steroid tablets A DAY for 10 days. Yes – a total of 100 steroids in 10 days.
I was also told to relax and steer clear from as much stress as possible – not an easy thing to achieve for any human.
In the days following the diagnosis the droop remained the same and within a week I was starting to experience awful pain in my jaw and ear. I was exhausted, even more stressed than I’ve ever been, and spent more time feeling like a useless burden than ever too. I’ve continued to cry every day.
It’s been 3 weeks since the diagnosis, I’m now finished with the steroids, but the pain is pretty bad some days. Thankfully some of the sensations on the left side of my face have returned, but the droop is still there and causing me a huge amount of embarrassment. Also, somehow it’s effected my appetite too. Some days I eat nothing at all because I’m simply not hungry. The one day I tried to bypass my lack of hunger (after 2 days eating nothing) I threw up immediately afterwards.
My confidence is lower than ever so I’ve stopped taking photos with my family and selfies with my make up on. In fact, I’ve stopped putting on make up because it feels like a pointless event. Why try and polish a droopy turd?
I’ve been told the effects can take up to 6 months to wear off, but in some cases it happens sooner. I can only hope for the latter as I sit here typing with one side of my face buzzing with pain and looking broken.
The straw that broke the camels back
I put up with a lot, and smile through it all, trying to focus mainly on making sure that other people don’t end up as desperate as me. However, this diagnosis and sequence of events has pushed me to a pretty dark place. Rather than being able to relax and stay stress free (as the GP requested), having the disorder has only made me feel much lower and more useless.
Seeing my face taped up in the mirror (GP told me to use surgical tape on my eye because it wasn’t closing properly) has killed the tiny bit of confidence I had left and all in all, I’ve lost my happiness and drive.
I often find myself saying ‘I just want to be left alone’, and it’s a phrase that I truly mean.
I have to thank my partner for being so supportive through all of this, and trying to keep me both sane and chipper when inside I’m exhausted and empty. This story would probably have a different outcome without him here.
If nothing else please let this story show you how important it is to take care of your mental health. It’s not always something you can keep hidden, and it’s critical that you get help when you’re struggling. Something that feels minor, brushed under the carpet, can become a major problem at the drop of a hat.
Remember if you need some stress distractions then there are rubbish jokes on my Hold Humour page, as well as haikus on Haiku Hope, awful poems on Crap Poems and odd language in Weird Words. I also have a page dedicated to stress hacks and other ideas to try if you need a distraction within the COPE campaign section of this website.
BUT, as I said before, if you are struggling with your mental health you MUST speak to your GP or call the NHS 111 service as soon as possible in order to get on the road to recovery. There are also plenty of support lines available – many of them are listed on my Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Support Lines page of this site.
I’m ok. Just hoping for an end to all this. Maybe one day things will look up again.
Take care of yourselves and thank you, so much, for visiting.
Creative Steph 