Let’s start with the obvious question – no, graded exposure is not an experiment where I slowly take off my clothes in front of other people, although that does sound easier than what’s being asked of me.
Graded exposure is a form of therapy for people with phobias or phobic tendencies. You may have seen something like this before on the television, for example, someone with arachnophobia (extreme fear of spiders) is slowly introduced to some arachnids in a calm way, which makes being around them more comfortable. Gradually the amount of introduction and the size of the spider would be increased, and the discomfort of the person would (hopefully) decrease as the exposure continues. This is a basic explanation, but I hope you get the idea.
So how does this apply to a long-term life stuck indoors for someone with extreme fear of being outside?
In my case, graded exposure is going to mean slowly venturing away from my safe zone, which has become the bedroom. My support worker is helping me to spend more time in other rooms in the house. To start with this means the living room, which sounds incredibly simple to most people, but is a mountain to climb for me. Physically it will be hard for me to spend time on a different seat, which will at least cause additional discomfort and will probably make the following days worse. Mentally I’ve become reliant on my four walls that are intended for sleep time. They keep me calm and safe in a world where I am constantly afraid of even the most simple things. I would estimate I’ve spent a year in this bedroom for 99% of the day. Being away from my comfort zone is undoubtedly going to be…uncomfortable.
There’s no question I’m going to try and do this, I’m going to try and expose myself to these fears and hope that the worst doesn’t happen. Despite my determination, I remain incredibly anxious and that’s been made worse by pain in my right hip which is making it hard for me to walk even with crutches.
Last week was supposed to be my first attempt at spending time with my support worker in the living room, but I failed. Why? Because I was in pain and I knew that it would be difficult for me to stand without being unstable and I knew that mentally I was already drained. Despite having good reason, I felt like a disappointment, especially because I have limited time with my support worker, and I want to get to the end of that period and feel like I’ve achieved something worthwhile.
So this week we’re going to try again, but my pain is worse, I’m even more knackered, and my brain has had enough. It’s only bloody Monday.
Even after I’ve tried I can’t help but worry about the steps I need to take in the future, one of which will involve a lot of stairs , and another will involve fresh air and real people (mostly strangers) which I’ve avoided for three years.
Our phobias might be classed as irrational, but anyone with extreme fears like me will understand that conquering them isn’t as simple as people make out. It’s a lonely place to be, even with people around you for support, because you know those people don’t share the same fear you do. You feel like you’re fighting with something that only you can see, and they’re completely oblivious to it. Even with help I feel very isolated and, if I’m honest, I’m not sure that I’m strong enough to face it all on my own. I haven’t managed it in the last three years so why is the next 10 weeks going to be any different?
I’m trying not to be negative though. I still feel determined. But graded exposure does rise some anxiety in me and feeling like I’m facing something so huge on my own also makes me very nervous. But… I still want my life back, even if it’s a smaller version of ‘the norm’. I still want that ‘little norm’ to be something I get back on my own terms.
I will update you on my progress next week after my exposing intervention has happened and I probably feel like an even bigger failure. Sorry, not negative…and I feel like a huge winner!
Thanks for joining me on my weird agoraphobic journey. Have a great day and thanks for reading.
Creative Steph 