Anyone regular to my blog might have noticed a bit of a hiatus. I apologise for being absent for 2 weeks, but frankly, the stress of existing alone has been enough for me lately.
I’m back though, and I’m starting my posts with a subject I’ve touched on before – mental illness in the media how you manage the reporting of cruel narratives from the people suppose to be in charge (who should know better).
As anyone living this way will know, when you’re mentally imbalanced you are constantly trying to hide the complexities of your brains narrative from those around you. Sometimes it’s easier than others. Despite what we’re told, general life stresses are difficult, especially for someone with anxiety. For me at least, I let the external emotions pile up and HOPE that over time they’ll evaporate so no one has to see.
NOTE – It’s obviously more healthy to talk to someone about your concerns – a problem shared is truly a problem halved – so I’d recommend that’s what you do l, even if I can’t.
But when the stresses pile up and don’t stop, it can be hard to hold it together for anyone, and no one should be forced to feel ashamed of that.
For example, there are genuine mental-health-related reasons for my recent silence. In the space of 2 weeks the following happened to us at home;
1. Our fridge freezer gave up, and a replacement needed hundreds of pounds and would take weeks. We have a child on the spectrum who is an incredibly picky eater, and having no fridge is harder to manage than it sounds. We got a temporary mini fridge to get us through – another cost. Financial stress ✔️ child stress ✔️ guilt stress ✔️ pain stress ✔️
2. I tested covid positive for the 4th fucking time. This time I was in pain rather than struggling to breathe. I lost my appetite (helpful with the fridge I guess), I lost more hair, and my joints started popping and slipping regularly. Pain stress ✔️ health stress ✔️ guilt stress ✔️ confidence stress ✔️
3. Our daughter was admitted to hospital with what appeared to be a chest infection, but because she struggles with medication, her heart rate skyrocketed and so did her temperature. Of course, being a useless mother who’s been stuck indoors nearly 3 years, I couldn’t go with her. She was scared, so was I, so was her dad. It took nearly 10 days for her to improve. Child stress ✔️ guilt stress ✔️ health stress ✔️ fear stress ✔️ pain stress ✔️
4. I started a new befriending service because Im really lonely – all these years at home has left me socially isolated and wondering how I’ll ever make a friend. The first call went so well, and I was excited to tell you all about it here. We talked about everything and nothing. The next one, which was booked for three days after our little one went to hospital, was desperately needed after all the stress, worry and upset. The call didn’t come. I waited all day, stupidly never doubting it would happen. The day after (after hearing nothing) I called the office for an update and was told it had been moved, but to a day when I had something else booked and no one had told me a thing. An hour later the ‘friend’ I’d made a week ago called me, clearly angry that I’d called the office. It was confronting, upsetting and massively disappointing. I hadn’t even complained or got frustrated with them but I explained that I had another call booked for the new date. I was told to install call waiting on my phone. It was humiliating – my health doesn’t make it easy for me to do lots of things in one day, including stressful phone calls. It’s exhausting and affects my breathing, my pain and my energy for days. This wasn’t understood or treated with any care, and I was left feeling so upset and stupid for believing the service might help me. Social stress ✔️ shame stress ✔️ humiliation stress ✔️ pain stress ✔️ futility stress ✔️
5. I had a doctors appointment that we’d requested – I rarely do this, but I’ve had some issues that need addressing, mainly that I’ve been waiting for a referral to rheumatology for 6 months. They promised to call by the end of January to book, and they haven’t. I can’t get through on their phone and I’m in pain all the time. The appointment was cancelled and moved forward by 2 weeks to a doctor I don’t know. No one explained why, no one contacted me. It’s already been moved twice. Worthlessness stress ✔️ health stress ✔️ pain stress ✔️
6. Due to lack of internal communication, my mental health service have now mistakenly forced me to take 3 appointments where I’ve had to go through the same questions about my mental health. Not just basic questions – hours of confronting questions about my past, the trauma, death, abuse, losing our daughter. Deep, upsetting stuff that I’ve explained over and over again and that leaves me with clear memories and flashbacks, sometimes for days. Last week I was called to do it again and after everything that’s happened, I was in tears. I asked “haven’t you got this in my notes?” and was told “we don’t check notes, we don’t have time”. They apologised for the error the next day, but the knock on effect of having to go through it all again couldn’t be undone. Past trauma stress ✔️ mental health stress ✔️ shame stress ✔️ pain stress ✔️
7. I’ve had a support worker for a while who helps with booking all the stuff above and making it a smoother process. I called her the day our daughter was admitted to hospital, absolutely beside myself with fear, and explained everything. Despite telling me I’d done the right thing, and asking me to keep in touch with updates, she didn’t get back to me for days, and I hated myself for expecting her to do so. I need someone to talk to, and I wished she’d stayed in touch, but I felt guilty for expecting that from her. Loneliness makes you behave desperately and feel awful. Guilt stress ✔️ social stress ✔️ loneliness stress ✔️
So as you can see, 7 completely separate issues that all happened at once. They were mostly avoidable, but their collective impact left me in a dark, dark hole and with extended pain and fatigue.
The cherry on the shite-pie was hearing the reported comments from the Secretary of State about people with mental illness essentially being flakey for not coping with ‘normal anxiety’.
I’m a broken woman, I think I’ve made that clear many times, but I’ve never stopped trying. Trying to improve, trying to learn, trying to understand, trying to engage, but when it all gets balled up in a mess like this, I just can’t cope. Anxiety to me means panic, often that means a full blown panic attack. It means worry at an inconceivable level that just won’t leave me alone. It means days and days of lost sleep and poor appetite. It means asking myself repeatedly if I belong on this planet, and if I don’t, how do I leave?
I’m writing this post at nearly 2am. I still don’t sleep after all this transpired, and most of it isn’t resolved. I’m alone with my worry, I’m afraid, I feel like a failure and I believe I’m a burden, but I’m sat here writing about it in the hope it will help someone else feel less lonely, in the hope it will widen the narrative on mental health to a more truthful place, and in the hope it’ll help me feel productive and (one day) help me with my career.
See, Secretary of State – we’re still here and still trying.
We haven’t given up, stopped caring or become lazy. Stress and anxiety doesn’t make us limp or underachievers, but it’s hard to overcome on our own, which (in many cases) is what’s being expected of us.
So if you’re feeling frustrated with the rhetoric in last weeks media, if you feel let down that you aren’t seen, understood or heard by the people you’re relying on, please talk to someone who can help. A friend, family member, or professional: someone you trust.
When I wondered about my own life and the worth it now has, I hoped that my story might at least make others feeling so unwell to see and accept how hard they’re trying. If you got out or spoke to a loved one, maybe you’ve ordered a take away, had a shower, picked up some shopping or just been for a walk, then (in my opinion) you’re doing great.
For more information on charitable organisations that can support you with these concerns please visit my mental health and suicide prevention support lines page. For help on specific subjects such as eating disorders or chronic pain, please visit my get support page.
As always, thanks for visiting, and screw the ignorant opinions.
Creative Steph 